Transform Your Relationships with the Right Words

Remember the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” It’s actually one of the worst pieces of advice ever given. Words—not physical actions—are often what make or break relationships. As a Gen X-er, it astonishes me how these little sayings we grew up with have done more harm than good. Think about it: this saying basically implies that as long as you don’t physically hurt someone, you can say the most venomous things you want—and trust me, people did.

Now, in our “woke” culture, there are extremes of what is considered offensive. Coming from an era where you could say whatever you wanted, we often fluffed off hurtful comments with, “Can’t you take a joke?” Yet, we all know most truths are spoken in jest. Today, we are extremely careful about what we say, struggling to not offend because we were never taught how much words can be weapons. I’m sure we can all recall something someone said to us that left a lasting impact. I remember my guidance counselor telling me I wasn’t university material. Not sure if that motivated me to become who I am or not, but it certainly didn’t make me feel good at the time.

So, let’s contemplate this shift—from an unfiltered era to one where we pause before we speak because words have real consequences. This change might actually be beneficial.

The study of how words impact our thoughts and behaviors is called psycholinguistics. Words can act like powerful tools, shaping our relationships in ways we might not even realize.

Here are four simple yet effective psycholinguistic strategies that can immediately improve your relationships. These strategies work for everyone—from someone you just met to the person you share your bed with, from your three-year-old child to your great-grandmother. You can use these strategies with or without the help of a counselor.

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but poor word choices don’t have to be one of them.

Engage in Conversations, Not Interrogations

When parents were taught how to engage in conversations rather than bombarding their children with questions, they found that their children developed better language skills. The same principle applies to adults. The more you engage in genuine conversations, the better your relationship will be. In-depth conversations show that you’re truly interested in the other person, rather than just seeking information.

Reduce Negative Words

Our brains are like sponges, soaking up everything around us. When we use negative words, our brains start connecting them with negative memories, creating an overall negative experience. Using fewer negative words can prevent this cascade of negativity, turning potentially neutral or positive interactions into truly positive ones.

Apologize Instead of Defending

Think about the times you knew you were wrong but chose to defend yourself with weak excuses. What if, instead of defending yourself, you simply apologized? When confronted about a poor parking job, one person apologized instead of making excuses, which completely disarmed the angry motorist and even prompted an apology in return.

Avoid Being Judgmental

Saying things like, “If I were you, I would…” implies that your values and decisions are superior to the other person’s. This can be incredibly damaging to relationships. Remember, you are not the other person and can never fully understand their perspective. Respecting their decisions and experiences is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.

Takeaways:

Engaging in conversations rather than just asking questions makes the other person feel heard and valued.
Reducing the use of negative words can help create more positive interactions and memories.
An unexpected apology can defuse a tense situation and prevent defensiveness from escalating.
Avoiding judgmental statements and acknowledging that everyone has their own unique perspective helps maintain healthy relationships.

I know some of us grew up in a world where we could say whatever we wanted, but can we agree that these tips might just salvage a relationship? And even if you don’t want a relationship with the person, maybe, just maybe, we can strive to be good human beings.