Unsolicited Life Advice Series: Story Time

I once had a client who shared a story that perfectly illustrates the importance of recognizing when an apology is genuine or self-serving. Let’s call her Sarah.

Sarah was in college when she dated a man who was deeply involved in his Buddhist faith. They had a great connection, but he eventually broke up with her because she wasn’t Buddhist. Of course, that wasn’t the reason he gave at the time. Now, because Sarah is a gracious and loving person, she decided to give him a free pass. After all, they were 20 years old, and nobody really knows what they’re doing at that age. Maybe dating her made him realize that finding a Buddhist partner was really important to him.

Since they were part of the same group of friends, Sarah still had the pleasure of seeing him at bars and parties. And you know what he would do? He would ignore her like she didn’t exist. This obviously didn’t make Sarah feel very good because, dude, they still dated. She even met his parents, who were told she was just a very good friend because she was clearly not Buddhist. So, a little respect for the past, please?

Trying to be the bigger person, even though she was the one who got dumped, Sarah texted him and said, “Hey, I hope everything is going well. I’d like to meet up for a coffee if you have some time because I think we should just bury the hatchet and move on. We have a lot of mutual friends, and I’d like to make it a little less awkward when we see each other in public.” To which he responded, “Sarah, I don’t think that’s necessary.” Fine. You don’t want to see me? That’s your prerogative.

Sarah didn’t blame him for breaking up with her and not wanting to see her after the fact because, honey, all is fair in love and war. But here’s the thing. Six years after they broke up, Sarah got a text from a mutual friend saying that this guy reached out to her, asking if she could ask Sarah whether she’d be open to talking to him. Apparently, he had done some deep thinking over those six years and wanted to apologize for the way he treated her and how he handled the breakup all those years ago.

Now, Sarah wasn’t going to pretend like she knew what was going on in this man’s life at the time. But all she knew was this: He wasn’t reaching out after six years to make her feel better about the breakup. He wanted her to tell him that it was okay, that she forgave him, and that he was still a good person. But you know what Sarah told their mutual friend? She told her to tell him to kiss her behind and that she had no intention of letting him back into her life.

Because here’s the thing: He’s entitled to his journey of healing, but Sarah is entitled to hers. You better believe she had healed after six years. Now she’s wise enough to know that she doesn’t need validation from anyone but herself.

So, ladies, the next time a man wants to apologize for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated the first time, recognize whether he’s doing it for you or for himself. And just remember this: At the end of the day, silence is golden. So leave that homeboy on read.

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