At work, I was asked, “How are you feeling?” I responded – “Adequate” He looked at me and said, “That’s an awesome word!” He then proceeded to say, “What made you think to answer that way?”

“Well, I am not overly happy and I definitely am not sad, so I believe the best descriptor word to call myself in this moment in time is; Adequate.”……. He was intrigued. (Needless to say, we are going to be coming out with some merch, soon)

We ask people how they’re feeling all the time, almost as a rhetorical question, because we rarely, if ever, actually want to hear the answer. I like to have a long flow of adequacy. It keeps me in check. I feel like Switzerland: neutral. It takes a lot of work to get here, and it’s not an easy shift. You really have to work at being adequate. Don’t confuse it with being complacent or apathetic. Being adequate is in a league of its own.

You have to be mindful of your feelings and protect them. What I’ve noticed, though, is that when you’re in this realm of adequacy, people start dumping. It’s like there’s a GPS signal. Once people realize you’re adequate, they decide you’re the go-to person to talk to, because you live in the world of adequacy. (Little do they know the work it takes to get there.)

Many people want to join the world of adequacy. That sounds crazy, but is it? It’s crazy to think you can be happy all the time, given how the world is, and on the flip side, you definitely don’t want to be sad. Adequate is where it’s at.

It’s like being content, with nothing to complain about. Don’t be fooled, it takes a lot of work to get here. It is literally protecting your personal space and deciding what you’ll allow in. There’s truth to the saying that you are the books you read, the music you listen to, the friends you hang out with, and your significant other.

“Show me your company, and I know who you are.”

My mom used to say that all the time, and she was referring to my friends. She would tell me it’s important to know who your friends are, because you are the average of the people you spend the most time with. She was a true believer in “Your friends will lead you, but they won’t bring you back.” (I really should have asked which friend betrayed her to the point of her being so selective.)

Of course, I never listened. How could this be true? I fooled myself. I thought it wouldn’t matter because I was strong enough. I could surround myself with people who didn’t have great habits, ignore the qualities I didn’t want, and focus on the good qualities I liked.

Trust me…. it’s too hard. You always end up picking up those bad habits eventually. And even if you don’t pick them up, you learn to live with them…. which is essentially worse.

Scientific studies support this theory. The research suggests that we are mirrors reflecting onto each other. The people we surround ourselves with shape us, and we shape the people around us too. This truth has serious consequences.

It shows that you should associate with people you admire and aspire to be like. The point isn’t to acquire their skills; it’s the motivation and emotions that lead to skill development. Being aware of how easily emotions spread allows you to change yourself and, in turn, change those around you. If you read a social media post that makes you angry, rather than reacting, you can pause and respond thoughtfully. If you receive a sad text, you can respond with compassion and support (Stulberg, 2019).

A complaining coworker can derail your day. A study out of Northwestern University, however, found that sitting within 25 feet of a high performer improved an employee’s performance by 15 percent. Conversely, sitting within 25 feet of a low performer lowered performance by 30 percent. And it’s not just the people we surround ourselves with. It’s the books we read, the podcasts we listen to, and even the social media accounts we follow.

I didn’t believe this was true until I caught myself saying the same phrases as a friend I no longer spend time with. I knew she wasn’t someone I should be hanging around. She didn’t have her life together, and I was trying to help her. But helping her was hindering me. I couldn’t help her, and it wasn’t motivating me to be better. It was actually draining me.

It’s not about thinking you’re better than anyone else. It’s about the reality you want to shape. I want to be around motivated people who want to do better, who aspire to be better, and who motivate me. I want to be around people who inspire me and who are successful, not just financially, but emotionally and mentally.

I read an article David Cancel wrote:

Here’s some advice I kept in mind during my own audit that I think can be helpful for yours. When you set out to pick your teammates, role models, mentors and even just who you decide to follow on social media, consider the following:

Be careful who you take advice from. Just because everyone has an opinion, doesn’t mean you should listen. It takes practice to filter out the wrong people.

Choose your role models wisely. Role models are different than mentors. Mentors are the people who are years ahead of you. They have achieved big things. Role models are the people you interact with daily. You can keep mentors for years, but you should change your role models regularly. Changing your role models forces you to learn, grow and evolve.

How do you pick your mentors and role models? What practices do you follow to stay mindful of who you’re surrounding yourself with?

My goal is to come back to these tips every few months to ensure I’m continuing to surround myself with those that inspire me, and I hope you will too.

That is great advice.

My mom was right. Show me your company, and I’ll know who you are. You can tell right away by who you spend your time with. Look around. Do you aspire to be like them? Do they bring value into your life? Do they have their life together? Do they have emotional intelligence?

I have to be very careful about who I allow into my world. If you’re not bringing any value, if you’re not inspiring me, or if I can’t have an intellectual conversation with you, I can’t be around you.

Too many times, we ignore red flags with people. Some people prefer quantity over quality. Red flags are the blatant deal breakers, and we tell ourselves the person will change, or time will change them. It’s not an easy thing to reassess your friends and decide who gets to stay and who must go. But it’s your reality, so you get to decide.

As hard as it was, I had to do this. No matter how hard I tried, my ex-husband didn’t share my ambitions. We came from two different backgrounds and different family dynamics. I wanted more. I wanted to build a business together with someone who had no business background. In retrospect, it was doomed before it started. I was told the business broke up our marriage, but it wasn’t that. Our marriage was over before it started. The red flags were there…. all of them. I chose to ignore them, and in true form, the same red flags I ignored were the ones I ended up leaving for.

Your partner or significant other is the biggest role model you’ll choose. It’s the person you’ll be around most of the time. If they aren’t building you up and motivating you, and you aren’t doing the same for them, that becomes your reality. It can’t be one-sided. You can’t be the saviour. It becomes draining, and in the end, they go back to their regularly scheduled program.

Of course, the flip side is true too. Maybe you’re the “good friend” people want to be around. I was in a meeting a while back where that same advice came up: hang around people who are at your level or above. My dad used to say that. My response is, what if I’m the person people want to hang around? What do you do then? Ditch everyone?

My friend Peter always has to remind me, “Caron, you’re getting your doctorate.” And I’m like, “Yeah, so?” (Very articulate.) He’s always trying to reinforce how amazing that is and what a huge accomplishment it is, and of course, we debate this all the time.

He was right. I realized I was actually embarrassed to say where I grew up in Trinidad. I would lessen myself just to fit in. So I wouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable around me, I would just blend. Imagine…. I was actually embarrassed. When people asked where I lived in Trinidad, I’d find myself whispering “Westmoorings,” because I knew what usually came next: “Oh, you were rich.” I’d quickly change the subject.

I would actually shrink myself to fit in. Yes, I had a driver who took me to school in Trinidad. I remember his name…. Harry. Of course, I was 9, so how was I supposed to know that was a privilege? It was me and the Canadian High Commissioner’s two sons, and we all went to the same school. Sometimes I’d stay at their house until my dad picked me up. I thought that life was normal. What’s the big deal? I never saw it as privileged. Both my parents worked, always. This was just our life.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to make myself smaller so other people would be comfortable. I should be proud that my parents gave our family a lifestyle they worked HARD for. I’m sure they didn’t work that hard so I could shrink myself to fit in. The better question is, fit into what? What am I trying to fit into?

Take a look around. See who you’re spending time with and who you’re associating with, and see whether you’re becoming like them. Are your mannerisms the same? Your vocabulary? Your motivation, or lack of it?

I am not sure why I felt the need to make myself smaller so that other people would be comfortable. I should be proud that my parents afforded our family a certain lifestyle that they worked HARD for. I am sure my parents didn’t work hard for all of that so that I could shrink myself to fit in.

The better question is, fit into what?  What am I trying to fit into? 

I feel I’ve come a long way toward being adequate. It’s not an easy task, but it’s a necessary one. Look around. Are you living the life you want to live? Are you doing the things you want to be doing? If not, look at the people around you. Are they motivating you? Do you aspire to be like them? Do you feel more positive than negative after spending time with them? Do you feel more stressed? Are they bringing joy into your life, or aggravation?

Of course, this is totally up to you. You get to choose the life you want to live. Me, personally? I’m happy being adequate. ❤

References

Cancel, D, 2019. What the 5 People Closest to You Say About Your Future, Inc.com. https://www.inc.com/david-cancel/what-5-people-closest-to-you-say-about-your-future.html

Stulberg, B, 2019. Good Vibes are Contagious, outsideonline.com. https://www.outsideonline.com/2391572/send-good-vibes